When some relationships come to an end, it sometimes feels like it died a mysterious death! But there is no mystery to the death of some of relationships, thankfully.
I was chatting with a female friend of mine one day when we (mostly she) started to wonder why we no longer talk like we used to when we first met. I raised the topic, but she said she honestly didn’t know why. I gave it a little thought, and became fully aware of the reason why! It was obvious!
SILENCE!
When we first met, I used to chat her up every day (and most nights). We spoke daily, for the first few weeks and months. But after a while I became busy and so I could no longer keep up with our daily and nightly chats.
Several days had passed when I realized… hey, why haven’t I heard from this woman recently? But crazy as I sometimes am, I decided not to get in touch with her, just to test how long it would take her to reciprocate. I mean, where’s the fun in asking “If I don’t say hello, that means we won’t talk, right?” lol
You see, it takes 2 to tango: if one person has to pull all the weight in a relationship (any relationship), then it won’t work. It’s just that simple!
I waited, and waited, and it became clear! I had to be the one to start our conversations. We spoke so well and so often because I was the one who always started the conversation. And so if I don’t start a conversation with her, she will not even bother to talk to me or even say hello.
After realizing this, I lost interest in pursuing the relationship, even though we were just friends. However, I kept communicating and that situation didn’t change… If I don’t say hello, we won’t talk.
There were a few times when she did start a conversation with me though. At least, I can give her credit for that. But when she did, she would often say something like “Hey Kheme. I just came online, for you, just to talk to you, specifically” or something along those lines.
Initially I felt honored, or special. But after a while, it start to sound cliche. I started to wonder why she had to state that, explicitly . After a while, it didn’t matter because I had already lost interest knowing that I was pulling most of the weight in that friendship. It was only a matter of time before I become “somebody that she used to know” lol
And then 5 months later, she was wondering WHY we no longer talk like we used to. I told her that there was nothing to wonder about, really. We only talk when Kheme starts the conversation. If I don’t, then we will not talk. She looked at me like “wow! Why would you talk like that?!”
After we looked at our communication pattern of the last couple of months, it became clear. The funny part was that she did not even think it was necessary to say hello, or start a conversation with me. Um, hello? Really!? It’s ookaaay!
So there you have it! Two people can only get closer by sharing, and by conversation. The more you share about your lives with each other, the closer you become. And it is the responsibility of both parties to pull each other closer because one person cannot (and should not) have to carry all the weight alone.
So if you miss someone, give them a call or shoot them a text. Don’t let the silence linger. Friendship (or relationships) are not games, and it take the both of you to make it work. If one person always has to go the extra mile, then that’s an early sign or a short-lived relationship. At that point, it only becomes a matter of time before the silence slowly (but surely) starts to kill the relationship. And then before you know it, “nothing happened” and the relationship is over.
This is how people let silence kill their relationships… there is no mystery!