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Who Should Do the Pampering in a Relationship?

Who do you think should do the spending and pampering in a relationship? The man or the woman?

St. Valentine’s day was just last week… who did the spending and pampering in your relationship?

Before I answer this question, let me explain something that causes unnecessary issues in relationships.



As human beings, we go about our days with expectations. When we sit on a chair, we expect it to hold, and not break. When you move your lips to talk, you expect words to sound out of your mouth. When you buy a new device, you expect it to function without any problem.

And when it comes to human relations, there are expectations too. Some like gender roles in nature, come by default. While we impose the other expectations on other people.

Problems arise in relationships when people impose certain expectations on others. Sometimes, these expectations are unfair or unrealistic. They are so because people are different, with different backgrounds and experiences. So some expectations are hard to meet, while others are easy to meet.

There are also cultural expectations, depending on the part of the world you live it. There are societal, family, religions, etc. expectations too.

So how does this all factor in who should do the pampering in a relationship?


The “Should Mindset”

The problem is the with the word “should”. Why? Because this is imposing another expectation on a partner.

The way I see it, no one should pamper or spend on anyone. Now let me explain.

It is NOT a responsibility or an obligation that someone has to “fulfill”. When one partner sees this as the other partner’s responsibility, then there is a problem. Problems are sure to popup when a partner fails to meet that expectation. And it only gets worse thereon out.

These should mindsets are responsible for unnecessary issues in some relationships. Men “should” do this, women “should” do that, it is a man who is “supposed” to do this or women are not “supposed” to do that, and so on.

It is silly to me! It does not make much sense to me. Nonsense, if you will.

And NO, I’m not talking about gender roles in nature. No! I am talking about the excuses that people use to cover up their selfishness and/or pride, all in the name of culture.

The most common answer to this question is that men should do the spending and pampering, not the women.

To me it is silly, it does not make much sense and so it is nonsense.

I am yet to have relations with a woman who thought that way. I mean, they did not think that as the man, I “should” spend on them or that I was “supposed” to do the pampering, and so on. And yes, they were ALL Nigerians, in case you were wondering.

Well, there was the Devil Woman who thought I was “supposed” to do a long list of things because we “were” in a relationship.


Why Spend and Pamper?

Yet in the other relationships, we both pampered each other, and spent on each other. But we did so because we WANTED to… not because we had an expectation to meet, or that we should or were “supposed” to, or that it was an obligation.

We took each other out without the other having to ask, both at random and on occasions. We gifted each other things both at random and on occasion, not to fulfill an obligation, but because we want to. We pampered and spent on each other as we were capable and able to… NOT because it was a rule. We give because we want to, because we loved each other, because we wanted each other to be happy.

I am grateful that I am able give. I give when I can, as often as I can. Someone once described me as having the gift of gift giving, or something like that. So do not think within yourself that I am selfish or stingy, hence my stand on the matter. It is nothing like that.

Even so, I do not give gifts because I am “supposed” to, or because as a man I “should” give gifts to my partner. I do because I love my partner and do I want to make them happy.

It never mattered who gave or who did not give, or how often the gift, money or pampering came. We did not care about all that at all.

So what I am trying to say is simple. If you love your partner, you will pamper and spend on them BECAUSE you love them. It will not be because you are a man and men “should” gift more, or women “should” receive more, or whatever.


Do Not Be Selfish

And this is for you women. If you claim to love your partner, how can you refuse to pamper or spend on him, saying it is NOT your responsibility? If you think this way, then you are being selfish, and you do not love your partner. It is that simple.

I do not see why as a woman, having the capability to pamper your man once in a while, you fold your hands and say “No! He is the man in the relationship. He is the one who should pamper me.” But why?

If you (man or woman) hold back from doing these things that you actually can, and you choose not to, simply because it is your partner who “should” do those things… then you are probably being selfish.

If your excuse is that your partner will feel you are desperate or that you are throwing yourself at them… then you are in the wrong relationship. Sorry! And why would you want to be with someone who could think that way about you, for any reason?

If your excuse is that your partner will take your spending and pampering for granted, or that they will take advantage of it then… then you are probably in the wrong relationship! You better find your way out of that relationship while you can!


One Solid Reason to Spend On and Pamper Your Partner

Think about it for a moment. Why would you want a serious relationship with someone who will take you for granted for any reason? Why be with someone who will take advantage of you for any reason whatsoever?

If that is the kind of partner you that desire, then by every means… do not pamper them, so that they will not take advantage of you, or take you for granted.

The right person for you will never take you for granted, whether you pamper them or not. They will not take advantage of you, whether you throw yourself at them or not. They will not see you as desperate, whether you spend on them or not.

If spending and pampering will reveal that side of your partner’s character, then… I have given you one solid reason why you consider doing so more often. That is how you can reveal your partner, and decide what to do with the relationship thereafter.

If one has to get a second job, to be in a relationship with you, then something is NOT right. If being your lover requires one to have a second source of income, then something is NOT right.

So to answer the question, anyone “should” do the pampering and spending in a relationship.

Do you love them or do not?

This is what this all this boils down to… it is either you love them or you do not! It is that simple!

Related Link: Kheme’s Definition of Love

Click here to read my definition of love. There you will find the simple answer to who should do X or Y in a relationship.



Now it is your turn… who do you think should do the spending and pampering in a relationship?

Please share in the comments section below. Thanks!